A Guest Post by By Lana Calloway
He was unfaithful and cheated, leaving you hurt, angry and confused. This level of betrayal can feel unfathomable. If the relationship has been destroyed and is beyond repair, you’re most likely longing for a reason why, especially if you separated without any clear answers. The following explanations may help you wrap your head around why adultery was committed:
Someone who feels unhappy in a stale marriage and distant from their partner may turn to an outsider for an emotional connection. Outside personal relationships are built and feelings are shared over work lunch outings or with a friend of the opposite sex. If your former husband was unhappy, frivolous sex could have been his tempting quick-fix. “During a time of transition, after pregnancy for example, during a time of loss, maybe you just moved somewhere, we are susceptible. Marital drift can happen, apathy, laziness,” said Ed Young, author of New York Times bestseller “Sexperiment.” An external attractive person becomes a quick cure to vacant intimacy within the marriage.
Family History & Environment
Men who have a family history of infidelity or who have experienced sexual abuse could be prone to extramarital romance. Our family background and childhood have a strong effect on our behavior in adulthood. Young suggests growing up in a single or blended family can attribute to a person’s infidelity. According to AnatomyofAffairs.com, “more than 50 percent of unfaithful husbands witnessed their fathers cheat on their mothers.” AnatomyofAffairs.com also provides the startling statistic that “astonishingly, more than 75 percent of husbands who have an affair have close friends who also engage in cheating,” eluding to the idea that a man’s environment contributes cheating behavior.
Sex & Monogamy
Pastor Young also emphasizes the huge impact that sex has on a relationship. A man may feel powerless to control his urges to find sex outside of his monogamous relationship. A sad thought, InfidelityFacts.com states human beings are not monogamous by nature. Even more sad and coldhearted, a loss of sexual desire, such as seeing their wife as a maternal figure than a sexual figure, can propel them to find sexual satisfaction elsewhere. Sometimes it’s nothing more than a man’s selfish need for fun, spontaneity and adrenaline outside the relationship. Starting an extramarital affair typically happens quickly, uncontrollably and irrationally. A married man can feel powerless to the excitement and lust that makes him feel rejuvenated, and this usually occurs as a band-aid for hidden emotional conflicts, as described by PsychologyToday.com.
Ego & Emotion
A man’s ego and feelings of resentment can be demons that destroy monogamy. By nature, a man may not be able to resist the urge to seek sex with attractive women to satisfy his ego. AnatomyofAffairs.com also states that straying husbands have said the number one reason they flee to cheat is because they feel emotional dissatisfaction. Cheating husbands feel as if their wives are unappreciative as well as not caring or thoughtful. Built-up negative emotions like resentment and anger can cause men to make rash decisions for self-fulfillment and validation.
No matter what caused your former partner to cheat, if the relationship is irreparable then accepting it wasn’t meant to be will serve as a peace offering and forgiveness with yourself, your ex-husband and your failed marriage.