Ephesians 4:31-32 “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. “

As written in a previous post, quarrels, fights, conflicts in any marriage is normal and inevitable. There are even situations when the disappointment, hurt and pain caused by the offending party is so unbearable that the offended party sometimes loses hope of reconciliation or restoration.

The Bible teaches about the sin nature of human beings – that we were born sinners. Which means that we do wrong, foolish and stupid things because we are sinners, not the other way around (which is ‘we are sinners because we do wrong things’). See Romans 5:12 “Therefore, just as sin entered the world through one man, and death through sin, and in this way death came to all men, because all sinned-…”

This sin nature guarantees every couple of the hurts and pain that they will give each other. Our capability to make mistakes or even choose them makes conflicts, frustrations and offense in a couple’s relationship a given.

The difficult but very effective solution that God gives through His word is forgiveness. And His example is Christ, how He has forgiven us.

Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

This Biblical definition of forgiveness is quite radical because here we are commanded to forgive not because the person who offended us deserves forgiveness, nor because the offender has admitted the offense. Rather, forgiveness, as exemplified by Christ, in its application, is more for the offended party. As the passage in Ephesians quoted above clarifies, the purpose of forgiveness is to set the offended party free of the bitterness, the anger and the rage that results from another person’s offense against him or her. This type of forgiveness is as sacrificial as Christ’s death for all sinners. It is as painful as what Christ felt when He endured the ridicule and unbelief of the very same people He created. But Biblical forgiveness is also as liberating as Christ’s resurrection after His death.

This coming Valentine’s day, may this entry be of help for couples who fell hopeless about their own marriages – God is in the business of turning deaths into resurrections.

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In any marriage conflict is inevitable and normal. First of all, the differences between a man and a woman are reason enough for conflicts to arise. Furthermore, the differences in personalities and the differences in upbringing spell disaster. That’s why it is very important for couples to understand and accept that conflict is normal in any marriage and can be helpful. It is like a signal that something is wrong and needs to be addressed, adjusted or corrected. Similar to a fever which is the body’s signal that a bacteria or virus is attacking it, conflict in marriage is also a signal and all we need to do is to manage. Every couple needs to learn how to manage conflict. Establishing ground rules for fighting can minimize the damage conflict brings to individuals in the relationship.

Here are some tips on how to fight fair during inevitable conflicts:

1) Never compare. Don’t say, “Why can’t you be more like…” or “You’re just like…” Remember, God made your spouse unique.

2) Never condemn. Don’t use phrases like, “You always… You never…” or “You should… You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Don’t lay on the guilt or play with your partners conscience.” Only God has the right to judge so don’t start statements with “You…” because that sounds judgmental. Instead, start your statements with “I…” “I need this from you…” “I felt this when you did this…” When your spouse uses these words accept it, it doesn’t mean you agree with it but these words are less threatening and less condemning.

3) Never challenge. Don’t threaten. Saying phrases like, “Just try that and see what happens!” The three most common threats in marriage are about sex, money or separation (leaving your spouse). Rule these deadly weapons in your marriage. They are marks of immaturity.

4) Never condescend. Don’t treat your partner like they’re more inferior than you. Don’t use belittling statements like, “You shouldn’t feel that way”. Don’t ridicule them for their explanations or logic. That is playing God.

5) Never confuse. Don’t bring up issues that are unrelated to the current issue. We often do this to get ahead in the argument and intentionally side track our spouse. Stick with the issue.

These are just five tips on how to fight fair. I know that there are more things I could write here. But the principle behind these tips is this: ATTACK THE ISSUE NOT EACH OTHER. Remember, your spouse is not your opponent. You are in the marriage together. The conflict is there for you to identify what you can do to improve and strengthen your marriage.